How My Life Came To Suck (Part 2) | Terrible 20’s
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If you haven’t seen Part 1 of How My Life Came To Suck then click here!
So where I left off with the last post was that I suddenly quit my job and moved back home. It was such an abrupt decision. The time span between the decision to go home and actually getting back there was about 5 or 6 days. Basically, I had just realized that I could not pursue a doctoral degree and afford to live in Florida, due to the time and financial constraints.
My boyfriend flew down to help me pack and make the 20 hour drive. While we were packing I was sporadically crying and falling out on the floor at random times without notice. It’s funny now when I think back at it, LOL. I simply could not believe that I had to move back to Oklahoma! Not only that, I had to move back with my mother! My family relocated to OK after Hurricane Katrina, and ever since I have hated this place with every bone in my body. Also, I literally had not lived with my mother since I was 17-18 years old. I lived on campus during undergrad and moved to Florida to get my Master’s right after.
But I think the true reason that my boyfriend had to peel me off the floor every 5 minutes is that I was so emotionally exhausted! I was tired from all the work, I was tired from being broke, I was tired from school, I was tired from the ups and downs in my personal life, and I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I had to move back home. I was literally so humiliated by it that I only told 2 or 3 of my friends who were out here that I moved back. My other friends just started finding out gradually since I was in town and people just kept seeing me.
So we made the 20 hour trip with no AC in my big Ford Explorer in June 2014. Despite the heat and the dirt flying around from the drawer (yes drawer) that I had to put my turtle in, it actually wasn’t a bad trip. We stopped to spend the night in New Orleans, which was nice (pics here). It took about 2 days for me to get back. Even though I was happy to see my family, entering the house felt so grim like, “I live here now…” However, having my boyfriend there the first week made the transition easier but of course he had to fly back to VA. That’s when the reality of my new challenges set in…
I was dealing with a lot of new issues with my family that I hadn’t had to deal with since I left. I don’t want to get into too many personal details but my living situation just wasn’t the most comfortable or enjoyable. Nevertheless, I had reasoned that it would be better to move back for a short time than to drop out of the doctoral program after putting so much work into it. The way this type of program works is that you don’t get out after a certain number of classes. You can only graduate once your dissertation is approved, which can take years if you are not on top of it. So I just began to work like a crazy woman. I figured getting a job would just prolong the process so decided that I will just grind it out like the scholarly thug that I am.
Even though I immersed myself in my work, I was still dealing with disappointment and discouragement. I was disappointed not only about the way things turned out, but also disappointed in myself. I just felt like a failure. I mean, in Florida I was building my life. I was starting my business, I had a long time boyfriend, I was getting my education, and I had my own crib and car. I felt like the foundation of what I was building was suddenly snatched from under me. Going home felt like being back where I started four years ago before I had ever moved down there. It felt like all my time and effort amounted to nothing, and I had to start from square one again. Back with my mother, back where I started off. This weighed heavily on my mind and emotions. I went to Florida with a dreamer’s ambition knowing that my life was headed for greatness, and came back feeling empty handed.
I have never faced disappointment the way I did in 2014. I was so disappointed in myself for having to move back home. I felt like an utter failure. I made a vow to myself that I would work like crazy to finish the degree and get out of this house and out of this town! Which brings me to my next point…
I have been working non-stop in order to finish my dissertation so that I can change my situation. But waking up with the sole purpose of doing nothing but homework all day, every day can get pretty depressing. Keep in mind that I’ve already been in school about nine years and I am still having to do homework and work on my dissertation 6 or 7 days a week. When I’m not working on it, it’s usually by happenstance. There’s just something else I need to do like run errands. I just think not having a reason to get up that I actually care about day after day is not healthy. Neither is the pressure I put on myself to finish. I don’t like that life consists mostly of sitting in my mother’s house grinding this work out, with the hopes of finally being done with school for good. So even though I’m in a much better emotional state than I was last year, I still feel down sometimes. Many days it’s hard to wake up. I look around and realize that all I have to get up for is hours and hours of homework, with not much social interaction or creative outlets. Nothing in my life is the way I want it to be and nothing is what I expected or worked for. However, every rain cloud has a sliver lining…
Just like I had to decide whether I was going to stay in Florida or become a Doctor, I had to decide whether I was going to change my perspective or just be miserable. I am learning to be thankful. Yes, it’s true I live with my mother in a horrible town, but there are some people who don’t even have a home to go back to. I was welcomed with open arms and I receive a lot of love and support that others don’t always get. Not only that, I have to remember that I don’t have the financial burden of bills and so even though I want to work and do media it’s a blessing that right now I don’t have to so that I can concentrate on school.
So yes my life technically sucks depending on how you look at it, but I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to look forward to. If you read this entire post (especially if you read both of them) then you get mad props from me. Thank you for taking an interest in me and my story. I will continue this series of Terrible Twenties, so if you want to keep up with what’s going on in my life then please Subscribe to my blog for new updates!
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